19 Aug 2008
Top Ten Reasons why the Russians are pissed at us
10. Back when the good ole’ back-alley gang days of the Cold War ended, and the Soviet Gang (the Warsaw Pact) disbanded leaving no logical purpose for the American Gang (NATO). We decided, however, that an end to shanking and drive-bys really wasn’t what we wanted. Instead we not only kept our gang going, we invited all of our old adversaries along, making Russia look like a total chump.
9. We told Russia now that they were free and capitalist and all, we would lead their fiscal policy — enacting a program called “shock therapy.” This program had the same effect on their economy as shock therapy does on people — deep depression and an increase in the poverty rate from 1.5 percent in the late Soviet era to 49 percent. Whoops.
8. While telling Russia we were “strategic partners” in the 1990′s we attacked one of their few remaining friends, Serbia, not once but a handful of times, eventually forcing the independence of its historically sacred province, Kosovo, while Russia was simultaneously fighting an identical conflict with separatists in Chechnya. Hey, what are partners for?
7. Not being more supportive of former Russian President Boris Yeltsin’s obvious struggle with alcoholism and every other health problem imaginable. Let’s see you try to stay sober in that economy.
6. Mocking their space program in the longest ever Aerosmith music video with a stereotypical Russian character played by a Swede.
5. After looking into Putin’s soul and using the Russian-trained and armed Northern Alliance force to topple the Taliban in Afghanistan, we turned around and told them they weren’t democratic enough to be our friends in the post-9/11 world. (Remember the old equation still holds true, anything the Bush administration says + 9/11 = shut up)
4. Rather than buy oil from the second largest exporter in the world (Russia), we decided to attack one of Russia’s trading partners (Iraq) and steal oil from them. Russia rightly points out it’s cheaper to buy their oil than steal it from Iraq, our response: “Shut up, we still don’t like you remember?”
3. Buying up all their women. Since the fall of the Soviet Union, America has imported thousands upon thousands of Russian women through the mail for awkward overweight middle-aged state workers who clearly need to import impoverished non-English speakers from across the world in a last ditch effort to rid themselves of virginity (if you fit this description go here).
2. We start building ballistic missile interceptors deep in the former Soviet Union on the Russian Federation border, all the while saying, “no, no this has nothing to do with you, this is to guard us from Iran, 1,400 miles South of here, which unlike you hasn’t yet developed ballistic missiles.” Not knowing what the internet is — but nonetheless confident Russia doesn’t have it — John McCain says on his website that the Missile Shield is designed to “hedge against potential threats from possible strategic competitors like Russia.” (Russia does in fact have internet access)
1. Seeing that the Mikhail Saakashvili’s anti-Moscow regime in Georgia was starting to seriously annoy Putin, we give Saakashvili weapons, train his army and offer him a military alliance. Saakashvili then attacks Russian-supported separatists and is squashed by Russia’s pinky finger. We start to worry, but hey, the score is still NATO 9, Russia 1.
Perfect. Don’t forget they know more about American History than the current President and the rest of the US combined.
This makes me believe that Russia will have no problem quelling our civil war with a bunch of nukes (which i truly believe to happen in or around 2012 the way the world is going)
Bucky
August 19th, 2008 at 3:42 pmpermalink
Be quiet, Bucky…. you’re giving the plot away.
John Titor
August 19th, 2008 at 7:09 pmpermalink
Number one up there seems to make you one of the few people with a bit of knowledge about this Georgia-Russia conflict.
Jake
August 19th, 2008 at 9:31 pmpermalink
Lets not forget how Russia continues to violate US airspace and buzz American Carriers with nuclear armed Bears. There are 2 sides to every story. However, that comic at the end is awesome.
Aaron
August 20th, 2008 at 8:26 ampermalink
# 11
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/E/B/R/indianajones4pic5.jpg
Anna B
August 21st, 2008 at 9:52 ampermalink
This could probably be updated to include Poland.
http://www.boston.com/news/world/europe/articles/2008/08/21/us_poland_finalize_deal_to_install_missile_shield/
Good stuff though, thank you.
Chad
August 21st, 2008 at 4:35 pmpermalink
Anna B, why would we mind her? She’s awesome. And I have the exact same belt.
Плмрк
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:48 ampermalink
And truth be told, the cosmonaut was my favorite character in that ridiculous movie.
“This is why I tell you ‘touch nothing’ but you’re bunch of cowboys”
Nicholas Alan Clayton
August 24th, 2008 at 3:21 pmpermalink
Dear Mr.Clayton, When you report that the USA, is stealing oil from, or out of Iraq. Who do you know of first hand, in that Country, that is doing, what you say, they are? I mean, the last thug-ship, we had to hunt down in Iraq, and then cuff-em, was stealing his Country`s oil, for himself and his “Family,” of other smaller thug`s, at a rate of 10% to 15% a day, 24/7. Before you, go running off at the mouth sir, check out and up on your fact`s first. The Iraqi oil folks, have sold over $900,000,000`s worth of their own oil in the past two, to three years. It continues to grow (the cash), each and every day. Meanwhile, back at the ranch. The US. taxpayer, is still paying the whole bill. So the fact, the USA, has spent well over $140,000,000,000 dollars, so far, on the war party and now it`s being said, we`ll be over there t`ill 2011. One last note: Mr.Putin doesn`t have a soul. To have risen up to the rank of a Full Colonel, in the former KGB. Let me clue you in Nicholas. This is not someone who helps old lady`s, cross the street during rush hour. Wake up Son, and smell the Vodka.
Robert William
August 24th, 2008 at 6:21 pmpermalink
Dear Chad #6, Hi! Are you from Poland? If you are, don`t worry too much, about Russia, and the new incoming missile shield. That`s to be set-up soon in Poland. Why do I say, don`t spend your thinking time,(while awake,that is) worrying about some Red Army General`s remarks, (I mean a Russian Generals words) about turning Poland, into a target. Saying, if the Poles, sign-off on this subject and say,OK to having a jointly shared shield with America. Then Poland could be making it`s self a target. No Kidding!? Gee, Really?? If Russia started a war against the South Pole, they`d still say, it was necessary to blow Poland, up anyway, even though the fighting was way down South, at the bottom of the Earth. Just ask any Georgian, you see walking around. They`ll tell you all you`ll care to know and then some. One last thought; The USA, is Russia`s, number one target, all of the USA. So I`am saying, I too, have lived my whole life, (age 59) with Russian missile`s pointed right at me and mine. But do I worry? No! Because, with the size of today`s nuclear payloads, 50 Megaton, 100 megaton 150 Megaton bombs. If just one goes off, it`ll be quite painless really. Body`s being 72% water, and all that stuff. We`ll vaporize within one, to three seconds, just plain gone for good. A hint to the power of these bombs,(US. anyway) Back in the closing days of WW.2, as most people know. America detonated, two different sized A-bombs, over Japan. The blast power of those first bombs, is said, to have been 1/15th of one megaton. Today, when a person hears a comment from a world leader, or Russian General, talking about nuclear bombs, nuclear missile`s, target`s, etc.etc. Their talking in terms of Hydrogen bombs. One of those, will really screw up your weekend plans, big time. Thank You, Poland! Sleep safe, from now on, and enjoy as much as you can in your life, and your loved one`s too. We all just get one life apiece, make it a good one. Russia has turned back to it`s oldself, once again. A mafia runs the whole show now, But in Russia, it`s called Government.
Robert William
August 24th, 2008 at 9:05 pmpermalink
hey, I usually dont read these types of blogs because I think the game is going sour but you make a good point so im gonna subscribe to this site good looking!!
Pinky Booty
September 6th, 2010 at 4:09 pmpermalink